The High Calling of
the Husband
Rick
Joyner
Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church,
and gave Himself for it;
That He might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water
by the Word,
That He might present it to Himself a glorious church, not
having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and
without blemish.
So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that
loveth his wife loveth himself.
For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and
cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:
Eph 5:25-29 KJV
Along with some other few verses, this concludes the
Bible’s most important marriage counseling. It is interesting to note that the
only marriage counseling in the Bible was given by one who was never married.
Was this because he could give a more objective view? In the opinion of some
skeptics it is much easier to preach things you do not have to personally try
to live up to! He certainly laid out some very high standards, but this is the
Word of God, and for the true believer, compromising or making excuses is not
an option.
The woman
should respect and obey her husband as the church does the Lord, and the
husband should love and serve his wife as Christ does the church. The
fulfillment of this will make the Christian marriage one of the great witnesses
of the Lord’s relationship with His people. Certainly, to have a
godly marriage that comes anywhere close to these standards is a remarkable
thing today, even among Christians. In fact, recent studies have revealed that
evangelical Christians are now divorcing at a faster rate than non-believers.
Why is this happening?
Probably the main reason is because it seems that
the devil’s main assault on humanity at this time is directed at destroying the
family. Man is a social creature. After the Lord created man He said, “… It is
not good that the man should be alone…” (Genesis 2:18). This is interesting
because man and God had fellowship at this time. Though our relationship to God
is even more basic than human need, God created us to also need each other. The
family is the most basic social structure. To the degree that the devil can
weaken or destroy this relationship will be the degree to which he can destabilize
and then destroy mankind itself.
Destroying mankind, or getting us to destroy each
other, is the devil’s basic strategy. Restoring mankind to the purpose for
which we were created—to have fellowship with God and to cultivate His
creation—is God’s basic strategy. The family is one of the central and most
important battlegrounds where this conflict is waged for the destiny of
mankind.
This ploy of the devil to destroy the family will
not ultimately work because of the faithful ones who during the greatest onslaught
will rise to the greatest obedience. Right now the intensity of the onslaught
is causing a great separation to take place between the truly faithful, and
those who are at best lukewarm. As the onslaught increases it will be a miracle
if anyone can stand. That is the point—everyone who is standing for truth and
righteousness will be considered miraculous, and the whole world will one day
acknowledge them.
During this increasing darkness those who do stand,
whose marriages survive, will not only be survivors, but glorious testimonies
of what God desired the marriage relationship to be. The ones that are just
barely “hanging on” are going to have an increasingly difficult time. Soon
everyone who is not gaining ground will be losing it. The relationships of
marriages that prevail are going to be the ones that are built on the Word of
God. As the Lord taught, it will only be those who built their houses on
hearing and obeying the Word of God who will be able to stand the storm that is
coming.
If the Word of God and the standards of what God has
called the marriage relationship to be, offends you now, you, or your marriage,
you will not make it through what is coming. We must make a choice as to
whether we are going to live by human philosophies and standards of the day or
by God’s standards.
On the other hand, remember, there is a ditch on
either side of the path of life. A main reason for the meltdown of Christian
marriages today is the idealistic interpretation of the Word of God in relation
to Christian marriages. This is the setting forth of standards that no one can
live up to, and causes a frustration and continual feeling of defeat that only
weakens marriages.
Often I talk with husbands or wives who read
Christian books about marriage and are frustrated with their spouses because
they are not living up to the ideals presented in the books. Of course, it is
obvious that if their spouse would also read the book they would be just as
frustrated with them for not measuring up to their part either. This is often
the fault line (pun intended) that begins the break up of the marriage. What is
the answer?
First, I
think we need to lower our expectations in marriage. I am not saying that for
shock effect, I am saying it because I believe it is true.
Last Mother’s Day we asked several of the mothers in our local congregation to
share what they would like to have for Mother’s Day. We were expecting them to
share some things that their children could do for them, but almost all of
their requests were directed at their husbands. I do not think a single husband
could have lived up to those requests without quitting his job, giving up all
his time with the Lord, his children, recreation, and everything else, but
loving and serving his wife. The women who shared these things were honestly
wanting what they had requested.
Now on Father’s Day we got even. There was little
hope for any wife who had children, a home, relationship to the Lord, much less
a job, or any outside relationships, to live up to what the husbands wanted
their wives to be like. I hope this was a revelation to all. I think we need to
start by giving grace to each other and determining that we are not going to
make unrealistic expectations of one another.
However, we must not compromise the standards that
the Scriptures teach about marriage, but we need to understand that it may take
our entire marriage to attain them. By this I mean that if the Lord knows we
are going to live to be married fifty years, it may take that long for us to
get them right. Sound crazy? Not as crazy as believing we can achieve these
biblical standards immediately.
Could this mean that we will only be a witness of
what marriage is supposed to be like for one year? Perhaps, and that may be
enough. However, I think the truth may be somewhere between these two extremes.
So am I saying that I do not believe anyone can have
a biblical marriage until they have been married for decades? No. I think
everyone who seeks to obey the Lord and His mandate can have a glorious
relationship from the beginning, and at each stage along the way, but even
though the Lord has done just about every kind of miracle imaginable I do not
see anywhere in Scripture where He makes anyone instantly mature. Just as being
a mature Christian takes time and effort, so does having a mature marriage.
Coach Bill McCartney, the founder of Promise
Keepers, shared something at our last Pastor and Leader’s conference that was
eye opening to many. He said just recently that his wife had said he finally
became the husband that she had always dreamed of having. They are now in their
sixties. It took them decades to get there.
It was interesting to me that Coach never mentioned
whether his wife met his expectations as a wife, but that is because it was
obvious he was more intent on whether he was living up to his part than
thinking about whether she was living up to her part. I do think this is the
way it should be for husbands. The Scriptures are clear that the greatest responsibility for making
the marriage into what it should be does lie with the man.
My simple proposal for complying with the biblical
mandate of Ephesians five for marriage is to give yourself time. Know that in
your first year of marriage you are going to have an immature marriage—and that
is okay! It is okay for a one-year-old to be one. Enjoy growing up and don’t
try to rush it.
There are many marriages that have stayed at the
same level, or even moved backwards for years. Maybe you have been married
twenty years now and have not really made much progress for the last fifteen.
This is often the case when children come. However, you have probably made more
progress than you think though you may feel more frustrated in your marriage
now. Even if you become convicted and know that you have to do something, I
encourage you not to try to make up the ground too fast. That can be
counter-productive.
By this I mean that instead of trying to have daily
devotions with your wife and children, start with weekly devotions. Also, keep
them short. I would recommend something like fifteen minutes rather than an
hour. If you are faithful they will probably start to get so good that you will
want to go longer, and then you will want to do them more often. It is much
better to have shorter and fewer times with real life in them than longer and
more frequent ones that are so boring and lifeless that they are viewed more a
punishment than an opportunity.
I realize that I have very superficially touched on
the verses for this week and last. Indeed, many books have been written on
these verses, and they are worthy of many books. However, we obviously cannot
do that here, so the main thing I have tried to accomplish is the appeal to get
real. We need to acknowledge our failures, and try to remove the unrealistic
expectations that are rooted more in idealism than revelation. Then we need to
develop a workable, step-by-step approach to a mature Christian marriage that
can be achieved.